Dear Almost Naked Overly Tan Guy at the Bank,

Have you ever felt absolute sensory overload? As in, so many thoughts, feelings and emotions hitting you all at the same time that you just want to scream, “holy shit look at that guy! He’s got nothin’ but dress shoes and a speedo on! Why is he so TAN?” … but you were so overwhelmed that all you could do was gasp and snap a quick photo?

Yeah, me too.

So many questions… I’m just gonna dive right in here:

Did you come to the bank straight from tanning? That would (partially) explain the outfit, minus the fact that it would mean you wear business shoes and socks to the beach. You’ve got the clothing version of a mullet – half party, half business. Ready for anything!

See, most men with the balls (see what I did there?) to wear a speedo anywhere but the beach might also consider sandals, even no shoes at all, to top off this ensemble. But you aren’t most men. You said, “I’m headed to the bank to get a cashier’s check for my own personal tanning bed, and I’ll be damned if I go into a place of business wearing anything less than business shoes!”

Did the outfit start off with more to it? Perhaps this is the result of a pair of breakaway pants and jacket once they’ve been broken away? Maybe you walked into the bank in a suit, and yelled “I’ve got a fat check to cash!” and tore away your entire outfit just before I came in… then casually began filling out a deposit card in your red speedo. That’d be fun.

Also, the amount of skin your jewelry covers up is nearly equal to the amount the rest of your outfit covers up… that has to be some kind of record. I like to think you were leaving the house in your speedo and dress shoes and stopped just as your hand touched your car door handle… “Wait, I’ve forgotten something,” you thought, before sprinting back inside and putting on 10 lbs of bracelets that look like they came out of a pirate’s chest. “That’s better,” you then said, confidently.

I guess Bank of America’s policy is “No shirt, business shoes, reluctant service.”