Why Does Sex Make a Baby?

Out of all the options available, why is sex is the action that creates a baby? Bringing a new human being into the world is probably the biggest decision you’ll make in a lifetime, and let me ask you…

How many good decisions have you made when you’re horny?

It’s not exactly an emotion that produces rational thought. We’ve all spent money we didn’t have, woken up places we wished we didn’t… not our proudest mental state, is it?

There are so many other options that would be more logical. How about a nice, thoughtful wish upon a star? A wish that sends a giant stork flapping its wings towards your home, a swaddled baby dangling from its beak. That fake story makes more sense than reality! Hell, it’d make more sense if you had to submit paperwork to The Babymakers, a company that would then approve your application and send you one. Amazon Prime could take baby delivery from nine months to two days!

Creating a new human should be like writing a business plan. It should involve a calm, rational discussion with every single item of your clothes on. Perhaps over tea.

It shouldn’t involve two horny people with insane levels of adrenaline, estrogen and testosterone. You’re basically high. You shouldn’t be allowed to operate heavy machinery, let alone create a person.

If I could go back to the birds and the bees conversation, I’d ask a lot more questions. You mean I just touch my naughty parts with a girl’s, and a baby arrives in less than a year? There aren’t any forms to fill out or anything?

Honestly, what other important life decisions do you make with a boner? I assure you I didn’t have one when I picked my major in college, forged my career path, or chose a house to live in. They were all rational, flaccid decisions.

Because I’m responsible.