You Can't Kill Baby Hitler, Either


Two weeks ago I wrote a post called You Can’t Kill Hitler, poking fun at people who think they could easily kill him if they had a time machine. It sparked some insanely passionate, detailed theories as to how someone could pull it off… I mean these people really did their homework — one guy even outlined an entire screenplay about it!

The most common theory was to kill Hitler before he gained any political power and had any bodyguards. “Baby Hitler,” as he was often referred to in responses I received. Let’s think that one through as well…

So Ben the Coffee Bean barista has a new plan… he’s going to go back to 1890, when Adolf Hitler was just a year old. He still doesn’t speak any German, and his skinny jeans and hipster mustache raise even MORE eyebrows.

Ben walks around yelling, in English mind you, “have you seen a baby named Adolf?!” Yeah, that should get him somewhere. No one would call the cops and have them arrest this crazy person…

But let’s take that out of the equation, and say that Ben did some research before his time travels, and was able to hunt down Baby Hitler’s childhood address and navigate his way over there.

Now Ben has to wait until Mr. and Mrs. Hitler are gone, and straight-up murder a baby. Does that sound easy to you? Granted, this guy grows up to be one of the most evil people humanity has ever seen, but right now he’s a giggling, pants-pooping, drooling little baby. No tiny mustache, no discernable evil just yet. How is Ben gonna do it?

But we’ll even take THAT out of the equation and say that Ben was able to compartmentalize himself, and simply focus on the fact that this one baby murder can save millions and millions of lives down the road. He does it, and though it was incredibly difficult, he feels proud.

Well, as it turns out, 1890s Germans aren’t big fans of baby murder. Ben is locked up in an old German prison for life. “But you don’t understand… that wasn’t any old baby, that was Adolf Hitler!” This means nothing to anyone. He isn’t a hero to anyone past or present, as Hitler would have no notoriety at any point in history anymore. Ben the baby murderer is a hero, but no one will ever know it.