You Can't Kill Hitler


Ask anyone what they’d do with a time machine and you’ll get one of two answers:

1. Play the lottery or invest in things they know will pay off big.

2. Kill Hitler.

If they answer #1, they’re selfish. If they answer #2, they’re dumb. Here’s an example:

Meet Ben:

Ben is a Coffee Bean barista and if he had a time machine, he thinks he could kill Adolf Hitler. In fact, he constantly asks others what they would do if they had a time machine, but he really only does it so he can tell them what he would do if he had a time machine.

I really enjoy Ben’s confidence.

It doesn’t cross Ben’s mind that perhaps people alive during World War II might have had the same idea. They might have been having dinner with a friend and said, “you know what? Hitler kinda sucks. Maybe we should kill that dude.”

Ben is able to put all of that aside, and even though his 2016 life is pretty bland, he’s sure that if he was alive in the 1930s he would make history. Time has been his only obstacle this whole time!

Ben thinks that if he were to go to Germany in 1935 he could walk up to thefirst guy he saw (ignoring the fact that he can’t speak an ounce of German and that his hipster mustache and skinny jeans would raise more than a few eyebrows) and simply say, “hey man, where’s Hitler at?” He’s sure he’ll get the right answer from Franz, and will probably try to Uber over to Hitler’s residence from there.

Also, don’t ask Ben questions about this plan that might poke holes in it. This upsets him very much.

But Ben, what would you kill him with? What about his bodyguards and all of that?

“I dunno man, I would just do it. Someone has to do it.”

My hero.