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Japan vs. America: The Final Word
My Japanese friend has asked to remain anonymous, so out of respect I’ll call him Sushi McWhite Rice (that sounds Japanese, right?). He’s going on and on about how the Toyota Camry is the highest selling car in America. Who the hell cares?! My Chevy Tahoe will turn that Camry into a speed bump. But when he bombarded me with evidence of Japan’s dominance in everything from electronics to mathematics to the highest score in Dance Dance Revolution at my local bowling alley, not even the size of my ‘Hoe could make me feel better. Had my country let me down?! Are we no longer the greatest?! I felt crappier than a sumo wrestler’s diaper. But just then, a piece of teriyaki chicken slipped out from the clutch of my chopsticks, and I realized it. Who cares about technology? Who cares about mathematics? The United States dominates Japan in one of mankind’s most basic necessities: eating utensils. I’m so sick of going to a Japanese restaurant and feeling like a douche bag when I have to ask the waiter for a good old American fork. We’re in AMERICA!! How can any Asian person take one good look at a fork and still use those chopsticks?! The fork is 1000 times more efficient, and doesn’t require nearly as much effort. Which would I rather have, something with pointy shit at the end that just stabs the damn food so I can shovel it down my throat, or two tiny whittled down sticks that I have to magically balance noodles and rice between or else I’ll go hungry. I mean no wonder they’re so skinny, it takes them ten minutes just to hold a solid bite long enough to make it to their mouths. Is this why America is so fat? Are we using an eating utensil that is so far superior to the competition that the extra food we are consuming is becoming a nationwide obesity epidemic??
To answer that last question… who gives a shit?? WE WON. So suck it, Sushi! And God Bless America. |
Alright, I can’t take this anymore! I’ve got this Japanese friend who won’t shut
the hell up about how the United States is being completely outclassed by Japan
in technology. I don’t know a whole lot about the Japanese, but I do know one
thing: no one beats the good ol’ US of A. If choosing the greatest country were
a game of Rock Paper Scissors, America would be a stick of dynamite. Am I right,
Bush votes?!