Relationships

I’ve been getting asked for a lot of dating advice lately. I don’t understand why, but it’s happening. It boggles my mind that people are so confused about their own relationships. “I can’t tell if it’s getting serious or not, Robbie… How do I know?” You’re a fool. It is so simple. To put an end to all this uncertainty, I have come up with a foolproof equation for how serious a relationship is:

The severity of your relationship is directly proportional to your pooping habits while in the vicinity of your significant other.

Allow me to elaborate…

I. The “Honeymoon” Phase

You don’t get much enjoyment out of your poop in the Honeymoon Phase—in fact, you do your best to avoid pooping at all costs. Any poop that occurs is due to an extreme emergency. If you’re at her house, you leave the sink water running to mask any groans that you might accidentally let out while forcing this one out as quickly as possible. You try pushing a bit before you sit down to be even more time efficient, so she won’t suspect your dropping a deuce. You might want to sneak this poop out while you two are at dinner, so you can blame your lengthy trip on a long line. Either way, you poop in fear—fear of leaving a smell, or of having your significant other grow suspicious. It’s OK my friend, you are only in the “Getting to Know You Phase.”


II. The “It’s Gettin’ Serious” Phase

Things have gotten a little more comfortable now. You no longer lie about your poops, you explain your reasons for taking them. You have no problem enjoying your poops in this phase. You take your time—you might even ask her to borrow a magazine beforehand. Don’t be surprised if you catch yourself telling your significant other things like, “Fair warning Babe, that Chinese food we just shared is about to make an encore!” Or you might even warn her in advance, something like, “Before we go on that bike ride later, I gotta warn you that I have a massive crap on deck.” That way, when it arrives, you can tell her, “Ok, I’m gonna go take that shit now.” It saves the time for explanation when your poop necessity is hitting its most crucial point. An important note, however, is that you are still courteous enough to use the Febreeze spray afterwards. Basically, as your poops have become more enjoyable, your relationship has gotten that much more serious.


III. The “No Way Out” Phase

You hear that buzzer? Cuz it’s GAME OVER, folks. You are in this relationship for the long haul. Not only do you inform your significant other of your poop extravaganza, you flaunt it right in her face! Febreeze? What the fuck is that?? You’re pooping with the door wide open. Your pants aren’t just down, you’ve taken them completely off and thrown them onto the floor. After all, you can’t get satisfactory leverage if you’re legs are constricted by pant legs! You’re grunting at will and hoping she hears, so she knows how bad the meatloaf she keeps making hurts on the way out. You might catch yourself “accidentally” forgetting to flush, so your significant other can catch a glimpse of your masterpiece later on. All bets are off, you have given up all dignity. Hang up your jersey my man, there is NO WAY OUT.


I hope this equation clears up any uncertainty you might have about how serious your relationship is. It works for me.

--Robbie