I Fell in the Shower 

Let me just start off by saying things have been going really well for me. My job is chill, I have plenty of time to write jokes and waste time on Myspace while still getting paid… comedy is going really well for me, I'm starting to book some bigger gigs… no complaints here, right? This morning, all of that flew out the window, as I was quickly put right back in my place. This is the story of Robbie Pickard falling in the shower… at the age of 23.

I had a gig in Camarillo last night, and had a really great set - one of those nights where a 20-minute set feels like five minutes because the crowd is just eating up everything you are saying. I stuck around afterwards to talk to all three of my adoring fans, and got home at around 1 a.m. As usual, I couldn't fall asleep until about 2:30, leaving me tired as fuck for work in the morning.

I'm a lazy piece of shit, so I set my alarm at the absolute latest time where I think I can still manage to get to work on time—and with this method, I'm in the shower about 45 seconds after my alarm goes off. There's a little ledge in the back of my shower, so my lazy ass is sitting on it, too tired to stand fully upright on my own at this point. My eyes are still basically closed, and I'm sitting on the edge of my shower shampooing my hair—a really pathetic scene now that I think about it. Out of nowhere, my right foot slips out from under me (should have spent the $10 for those shower mats) and I fell… hard. It was a fall right out of a Looney Toons cartoon, where the character literally goes from upright to flat on their ass in 1/100 of a second.

It took me a while to process this—like I said I was still half asleep. Did that really just happen? I have never been more embarrassed while completely alone. There is no place sadder than the floor of your shower, when you had no intentions of being there. I was naked on a level that you can't imagine, literally and figuratively. I just sat there, the water raining down on my demoralized face; rinsing the shampoo I had just so liberally applied just a few seconds before all down my hair and into my eyes. I was crying, but it wasn't from the shampoo. Not even Johnson & Johnson could have stopped these tears—these were tears of shame. Shame because I had fallen in my shower, and I'm not 80-years-old. I'm surprised I didn't break my hip.

I probably sat there for a good 10-15 minutes. A lot was running through my mind—a lot more than just trying to figure out how I fell. What am I doing with my life? Am I really trying to make a living getting drunk and telling boner jokes? I should have tried harder in high school… If she told me she was 18, is it still my fault?

I learned something very important this morning. Nothing makes you reflect on your life and where you stand in accordance to your dreams more than sitting on your shower floor naked with a bruised ass, still half erect from a bad case of morning wood, as shampoo seeps its way into your tear ducts. I'm taking a bath tomorrow morning...

--Robbie