My fiancé and I walked behind the four of you for a couple blocks in Santa Monica recently. “There’s no way they’re barefoot, they must have nude-colored sandals on,” she said. “Ha, yeah right,” I responded… a family of four all wearing the same pair of invisible sandals? That would be about as likely as… A FAMILY OF FOUR ALL DECIDING TO WALK BAREFOOT TOGETHER ON THE BUM-PISS FILLED STREETS OF THE THIRD STREET PROMENADE.
I can think of a few reasons to be excused for your lack of footwear. Do any of these apply to you?
- Are you a family of street performers?
- Did you get mugged by the weirdest mugger ever and he only took your shoes?
- Are you the best-dressed homeless people in Santa Monica and shoes are the final piece of your outfit puzzle?
- Did you just wash ashore after surviving a boat crash?
If you answered yes to any of these, I offer my sincerest apologies and please stop reading. If not, let’s continue.
Do you not notice the bottom of your feet are straight up black? That should be a pretty good indicator that the ground here is super fucking gross. Every rich, annoying woman shopping here totally let’s her chihuahua/poodle/tiny-annoying-dog-in-a-designer-handbag shit all over these streets. Do you think that annoying woman picks up her annoying dog’s shit? She can’t – she’s got a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte with soy milk to hold. Here’s a little story that might help put the cleanliness of these streets in perspective:
I was walking home from a bar in Santa Monica a few years ago (as I do not believe in drinking and driving) and the Promenade was a short cut. It was late, and the streets were empty. Then I heard the one thing I didn’t want to hear while drunk and alone – the insane screaming of a homeless man, to no one in particular. This man was walking down the street, screaming at no one, and his pants were down. Wait… there’s more. He was urinating right there onto the street. Yeah, he didn’t even stop walking to pee, which is pretty crazy considering I doubt he was in a rush to get anywhere.
And now you’re walking barefoot on those same streets! Sick, right?
Lady with the tote bag – I noticed your bag depicts the wonderful city of San Francisco… not surprising in the slightest as I had already pegged you all for leftover hippies. I bet at one time walking around barefoot was pretty cool and rebellious of you, a real F-U to society. I can relate, you see my parents were somewhat hippies themselves back in the day. In fact, a running joke in my family is that my dad (who went to Berkeley) was wearing blue and white-striped overalls the day he met my mother. Pretty funny right?
Here’s the difference between you and my father. HE DOESN’T WEAR THOSE BLUE AND WHITE-STRIPED OVERALLS ANYMORE. 1980 happened, he looked down at himself and said, “holy shit, I look like a god damn railroad conductor,” and changed his fucking clothes because he is an adult human being with self-respect, and didn’t want to leave that impression on his children – for which I am very grateful. Can you imagine if I was raised to think that blue and white-striped overalls were normal attire for a functioning male adult? Boy, that would be nuts.
If I were in your situation I would walk right into the Crocs shop, which of course we have in Santa Monica, where I’m sure you’d be welcomed with open arms.