The 6 Steps From Full Beard to Clean Shave

There are a few reasons to go from a full beard to a clean shave. Maybe you have a big job interview, or maybe your significant other finds it repulsive and you’re more interested in eventually having sex again than you're interesting in winning this battle of facial hair.
 
But hey, it took a long time to grow that puppy out! It would be a crime to just shave it all off in one swoop. In fact, it goes in several phases.

1.    Full beard

 
I thought it looked good. Like a rugged lumberjack! This beard made me feel like I could build things out of wood and change my own oil! Oh well, here it goes…

2.    Mutton chops

 
I wonder what I’d look like as a Civil War General for the South… oops, it actually makes me look pretty racist. Let’s move along…

3.    Goatee

 
Let’s try a little Guy Fieri… oh, that’s outta bounds! Better take a shaving time out and scarf down a couple dozen Buffalo wings!

4.    Mustache

Hi, I’m not allowed within 100 yards of a school or park… and yes, that’s my windowless van parked out front.

5.    Hitler mustache

 
You can try to pretend you were going for a Charlie Chaplin look, but we all know what you were up to… it’s okay to be curious! Give your upper lip a little wiggle… it’s pretty entertaining.

6.    Finally, Clean shave

 
Good god, I look five years old. Mustache Me would probably be really into the new me…

How to Write Anything Creative

Creative writing is easy and anyone can do it. All you have to do is follow these simple steps:

Form a Brilliant Idea

Perform menial tasks… shampoo your hair, sit in traffic, etc. That’s when the magic happens. The most unique, incredible idea you’ve ever had will hit you like a ton of bricks. How has no one else ever thought of this before?

Feel The Adrenaline Surge

Your heart will beat through your chest as you dash to your laptop. Your fingers won’t be able to keep up with the flurry of ideas pouring out. This has to get out of your brain, onto paper, and out to the people as fast as possible. The world needs this!

Get So, So Close

When you get about two-thirds of the way through, your wrists will start to cramp up and your brain will come down from its original high. You’ll try everything: coffee, tea, writing outdoors, then back indoors. None of it will help. Twist your wrists around to loosen them up as you feel the well of ideas start to dry up.

Come to A Screeching Halt

You’ll search desperately for the perfect conclusion — a conclusion as strong as this brilliant idea deserves. It won’t come. You’ve hit the wall — face first.How the hell is this thing going to end?

Question Everything

Re-read what you’ve written somewhere between 147 and 2 million times.Focus on one sentence in particular for hours on end. Contemplate giving up entirely. This part is important: doubt your ability as a writer in general, and consider other job options. Think about how great it would be to work as a Subway sandwich artist instead. Think about how they get to just clock out and leave their work behind at the end of the day. That must be nice.

Now stare at your computer, not blinking for minutes on end, while adding nothing to the page. Is this idea even any good? Why would anyone give a shit about this?

Get Really, Really Proud of Yourself

Somehow, someway, you finish it. Stare at it proudly. Send it to a couple of trusted friends for their input. They’ll love it. You are now armed with the confidence to offer your brilliant, creative gift to the world. Send it out and crack a beer in a huge sigh of relief. Hell yeah.

Flip the Fuck Out

Now that you’ve had a little break from it, why not give your piece another read? It seems like people are enjoying it. Money back guarantee: You’ll find a glaring spelling error — on a sentence you had read 235,943 times. Flip your desk over in a fit of rage and start throwing anything you can get your hands on.

Await Next Brilliant Idea

Rinse. Lather. Repeat.

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